to begin, Begin

This post was written back in January and I've held onto it until today (May 3rd, 2016) to post. I hope this share inspires you to Begin what you've been holding off on....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So here I am, it’s January 19th, 2016 and I’m starting! I’ve been trying to wade through all the different feelings as to why I feel stopped, why for almost 5 years I’ve been too afraid to start.

I’ve been wanting to start a blog since 2011. Every week I write out what I’m working on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve transferred the words “start a blog” to my new and fresh list, probably somewhere around 260 which would mean once a week for 5 years. 

As I sit here and contemplate my feelings I realize that I’m nervous, uncomfortable, experiencing anxiety, and most of all just plain terrified. My mind is saying, “you don’t have anything interesting to say, who do you think you are, it’s a waste of time, nobody will read it anyways”, and my heart smiles and says, “who cares?! you are here to share your soul.”

My therapist is teaching me to sit with my feelings, to feel sadness, to feel judgment, to feel lost, to feel lonely, to feel anger, rather than run from it or explain myself away like I have to have a reason to feel. And there’s something about me blogging that touches on this, my unwillingness to sit with what is uncomfortable, and for me if it’s anything less than joyful, “feeling” is excruciating. If it’s not happy, or loving, or exciting, I’d rather not feel. And so I don’t. I hide, I black things out, I erase memories from my mind, and I run from whatever enlivens those feelings of vulnerability in me.  

The truth is, it’s not about me blogging or writing, it’s about my relationship to feeling.